when is giving up the best option?

(sorry if this post seems chaotic, im just stressed and tired, i'll try better on my next posts)

it's currently 2am. i just spend 2 hours on omegle when i know it's full of creeps and shallow talks. why? i don't know. i guess sometimes bad company is better than none. i always say i don't need anyone and i even take pride in it, but it's all bullshit. i get lonely like anyone else.

i'm starting to doubt if going on this trip is a good idea. shouldn't i start with maybe getting a job first? or at least slowly getting out of my comfort zone instead of throwing myself into the deep end? when is it okay to give up? is it ever better to give up? this is my dream. people aren't supposed to give up on their dreams. i want to travel and see the world, but i'm scared. it's getting close, i want to protect myself by telling myself it's a bad idea. if i don't try anything i won't be able to fail. im so scared i'll hate everything and want to go home as soon as possible. everyone in our town already knows we're leaving. if we come back in a few days it'll be so embarrassing. but the thing that scares me the most is me realizing backpacking isnt for me. then what do i do? i'm so glad i even have dreams this big again. i didn't have a dream anymore ever since i was 13 years old and i had panic attacks at school. i didn't even wanna try anything anymore. 

i lost so much faith in myself, especially after all those failed attempt to make it to class. i'll never make it through alone.

but i'm not alone. my sister and i are going together. i'm so grateful for her. i really hope i don't ruin this trip for her. she deserved it so much. she basically paid for the whole trip and the equipment. i want her to have the time of her life. she deserves so much. maybe that's what i should remind myself off when i get anxious.

anyway, i guess this is it for today. only 5 more hours till my alarm. i'm gonna try to get some sleep. if not, i'll just watch yoongi's trailer for 해금. he posted it yesterday but i didn't watch it cause it was my dog's birthday. he's releasing so many things when i'm gone, i hope i'll be able to catch up. i'm excited about his new album. it's hard to believe i'm gonna like a new song more than interlude: set me free, but i won't be surprised if i do. also, him touring but not going to europe? what's that about? i'm so heartbroken, betrayed even. i really wanted to participate in his video call event to ask him to come to europe too, but you need a passport to join. (not that im illegal haha, but i only have an ID) so that failed too.

(im sorry for this part, i know most of you probably don't care about this haha) 

also, quick little thank you note; thank you so much for everyone who visited my blog! i can't believe it were so many! i feel so grateful for everyone! i never had this many people caring about what i had to say !! thank you thank you thank you!! if you have any suggestions you want me talk about, i would love to hear them!