in my victim era

(i didnt edit this, and you can tell lol. but i just wanted to write down the thoughts I've been having these past weeks like they came.)

I'm tired of everything I do feeling like a test to see how much i've grown. everyday is already a challenge. I want one thing to happen easily and just let me relax.

my sister says it's brave I continue trying everyday, that is shows courage.

but I don't feel brave. I wish i looked like the hero in the movie who still fights despite being terrified. but im not. I look like the coward hiding in the bushes and getting bitten in the ass by fire ants.

people say it will make me stronger. how much stronger do I need to get? what if I don't wanna be strong for once?

everything I do is just me having to prove myself twice as hard to come across as normal, and people don't even realize how hard it is since everyone around me does it too.

what happened in my past continues to haunt me till this day. I believed in karma, but when does it turn around for me? I wish something would happen to me that would make all this suffering make sense. but nothing happens. nothing big. my only reward for having fought all those years was for me to be treated like everyone else my age. and I know that's a good thing. but I don't feel like my age. I feel like I'm still 15 but then again I feel 100 years old.

I hate criticism. I think people hate me the second they say I can do something better. I never went to highschool long enough to get scolded by people. my psychologists were always so nice, telling me as long as I try my best it's okay. so I never learned how to deal with people who think you can do better. and it's fucking sad that im almost 25 and cry every time sometimes looks at me funny.