these hands had to let it go free

on february 9th, i stepped out of my comfort zone and approached him. i don't know what drove me to do it, i just knew i had to talk to him. it started easy and laidback. i wasn't really expecting anything to happen between us, since i was still crushing on jonas. but he was fun and i didn't feel anxious talking to him.

he sent me a picture of 2 swans he'd taken the day we met. i didn't realize it was a sign back then, but i do now. i had a love reading that said i'd see swans before meeting the love of my life. and because i wasn't aware of that sign, i let it flow naturally. which i think caused the relationship to happen as it was supposed to without me messing it up.

 
somewhere along the line, we'd talk more and more. i didn't even realize i was falling for him. sometimes he wouldn't get any of his files or repports done, and i'd hide in the back of the store so i could text him when there were costumers. within 2 months of us meeting, he confessed he had feelings for me, and 1 month later, he said he loved me. i couldn't believe my luck. he was exactly what i wanted and needed. he was kind and patient, manly but soft, nurturing and funny, a leader without being dominating, he was handsome and tall with gorgeous green and blue eyes, and had a voice and accent that gave me butterflies.

 
everything seemed too good to be true, and in a way it was.

things fell apart after that. not between us, but in his personal life. he told me summaries of what happened, but never the whole thing, never how those things made him feel. i tried my best being there for him, offering him comfort with uplifting words or making him laugh with dumb jokes. and that seemed work for a while.

 on june 12th, he broke up with me. two days before, we started talking about my rape. he asked a question that hurt me a lot, not because he wanted to hurt me, but because he didn't understand. i barely replied to him afterwards, but he didn't check in on me for almost two days. i was disappointed and angry at him, since i'd done anything to make it up to him when i triggered him with something. but looking back, i should've been clear on what he did wrong instead of shutting him out.

 
he sent me a long message, saying he couldn't be his best self and couldn't give me the love and attention i deserved. he broke my heart more than anyone ever before. it wasn't the fact that he broke up with me, since i knew it wouldn't be the end, but because the message was so well written, meaning he spent some time on writing it. it wasn't an impulse of emotions that caused him to break up with me, he thought it through.

 
he got hit by a lorry the day he broke up with me, so i guess the universe was on my side for that one lol. he attracts a lot of bad things in his life right now, because of his mindset. he's broken, and i see now that he indeed can't be in a relationship right now. he barely has any love to give to himself. he let me go because he loves me, not because he didn't love me enough. he wants me to be happy and taken care of, even if he's not the one to do so. but i'll wait for him. i know what kind of man he can be, and was. he'll be the same person i fell in love with someday again. i know he needs time, to be alone so he can heal.

 
but i miss him and i worry about him, and about us. i know i need to let it go and go with the flow, but i like to be in control. but i know that's not gonna help him, me or us. so for now we catch up regularly, and even though he told me find someone better than him, we both know i won't go anywhere. there is no one better for me than him. i once found finding in love as difficult as counting all the stars in the sky, until he made it as easy as finding the moon.

 
i saw this coming. not the accident or the way we'd break up, but that we'd fall apart one day. it's what twinflames do. but i also know we'll find our way back to each other. it's what twinflames do. until then, i'll love him quietly, cheer him on from afar and pray that he'll be okay.