my relationship with myself (and men)

people used to describe me as intimidating, and i preferred it like that. the knowlegde of coming across as unapproachable, especially to men, made me feel safe and almost proud. i liked seeing men look away when our eyes met, i liked the relieved look on people's faces when they realized i was friendly, i liked having this air of mystery around me. it was comfortable to let people see my softer side once i decided it to show it.

i never thought of myself as girly or feminine, not with my baggy clothes, heavy black eyeshadow that made me look sick or dead, and an ever-present frown. i didn't like being seen as a woman, as a sexual being. i felt safe in my masculine energy, pretending to be a lot more tough than i actually was. i liked hiding my body in unisex clothes, my form completely hidden by the XXL shirts and baggy pants. sometimes i'd even do my makeup in a way to enhance masculine features i have, like a sharp jawline and high cheekbones.

men used to piss me off without any apparent reason. i never expressed my anger towards them, knowing it was irrational, but in my head, i was in constant fight with them.

i started practising self-care last year, maybe the year before that as well. i didn't like it at first, i didn't see any use in it. why would i buy new running shoes that didn't hurt my feet? why would i be gentle and caring with myself? it's just my body, it could take it. i could take it. but i saw how happy it made my sister to see me take care of myself, so i kept doing it. it became a ritual i was growing used to.

then, without really knowing what changed, i began to like myself. maybe i healed, maybe it was my sister's love (she's my cheerleader, bodyguard and safe space all in one after all). i looked into the mirror one morning, and thought that i was pretty, i saw my body in a window and didn't think i looked fat. i tried but failed at something, and i didn't feel shame, i felt proud. i started to love myself as a person, i was proud of the struggles i'd overcome, felt amazed with how far i'd come, and couldn't wait to see what was next. i restored my relationship with God. i looked at my life through heaven's eyes. i thought i'd become who i was supposed to be.

then i met him, and i realized i wasn't quite there yet.

he told me he loved feminine girls. i didn't think much of it at the time, not having feelings for him. i said "cool" and that was the end of it for a while. but when i started having feelings for him, i was dreading the idea of putting on a red dress or lingerie for him. i'd do it for him, but i wouldn't personally care for it. he never asked me to do any of those things, but i wanted to do them nonetheless. i thought that was pretty much as feminine as it could get, to dress up pretty for your boyfriend.

i started falling in love with him, and as i did so, my behavior changed. i didn't act so tough anymore. i wasn't pretending not to like my sister's hugs, i wasn't playfully scolding her anymore when she talked about kissing guys cause i secretly hated the thought of being intimate with men, i didn't say "i love you" only when she said it first. i became warm, soft and caring. i started hugging my sister and my dad, i expressed my love for them, i've forgiven myself and others, i love wearing perfume to bed, i love listening to old disney love songs while i do my skincare or hair routine, i wanna be the mother of his children, i already picked out baby names, i smile at strangers on the street (even men), i dress in colour, i make small talk with my neighbours or cashiers, i became everything i thought i'd never be. my sister tells me how warm and openly loving i've become, even my dad said i've flourished. 

i ordered three dresses to wear for when i'll see him. one is baby blue, one is black and one is red. i tried them on. it was weird seeing myself like that at first, but i also couldn't wait to see his reaction to them. and even more, i loved the way i looked in them, just for my eyes only.

he noticed the change in me. how i accept his compliments happily and blushing when he calls me the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, how i don't make a fat joke about myself anymore when he says how much he loves my body. i used to call him by his name, or call him fatty, dork or loser. but now, i call him my love. he calls me petal, my love or princess.