notes i took during the trip

sunday 26/03/2023

did i die? yes and no. i feel like i'm slowly losing touch with the person i thought i was. i don't recognize myself sometimes. i do things i normally wouldn't do without even thinking about it. it's kinda scary. i know i'm growing a lot, but it's all happening so fast. i feel like i'm on a rollercoaster going down way too fast without any security when i thought it'd be a slow ride on a carousel. but i do think this is good for me. i'm only getting older. i can't afford to make small steps anymore. i need big changes if i want to make something of my life.

we left on march 12th to go to marseille. there's a strike going on in france right now, so a lot of trains don't ride. so we got stuck in lyon. it was so stressful, a huge city with a lot of people, lights and noise. i hated it. so obviously i cried on the street again. i thought healing with feel like a flower blossoming but instead i feel like weeds trying to survive when people spray weed killers on me. we tried to find someone on blablacar, but they never responded unfortunately. my sister tried to find people who'd be willing to give us a ride, but no one was heading that way. so i cried some more.

we had to stay at a hotel for the night. the guy at the desk was really kind. he let us stay in a room even though all rooms had to be paid for in advance.

we were able to go to marseille the next day. we booked an apartment close to the calanques. the owner was called nathalie. she was kind and easy going. busy. she had a dog named rosie, who had too much energy for her, but she was so sweet and playful. nathalie made us homemade confiture, and it was delicious. the best one i've ever tried. i always wanted to ask her if i could take rosie out on a walk, but i was too scared.

the calanques were absolutely gorgeous. the mountains were huge and the sea was teal. it was really warm, but it didn't bother me as much as it used to. probably because of what happened in malmedy.

but back to marseille. the nature there was unlike anything i'd ever seen. the first day we went there, there was path with a pole with a skull drawn on it. my sister and i thought it was just graffiti, but it turned out to be a warning. cause the path wasn't a real path, it were just a bunch of sharp rocks going downhill very steeply. i just sat down and scooted all the way down, like a child on stairs, cause i was paralyzed with fear.

but it was worth it. it was an amazing experience.

i sometimesl think about nathalie and rosie. i hope they're doing well.