my depression lately

i'm not okay. i feel like such a failure. i finally have a chance to do something with my life, and i ruin it. and it wasn't the first time it happened. i missed out on so many opportunities that could've changed my life around. i'm still in the same place in my life as i was when i was 14. literally nothing changed, except for the fact that i hide my depression so well people think it's gone. i still have no education, job, idea of what i wanna do in the future, or friends. the only people that listen to my problems are people that are getting paid for it. that thought makes me so fucking sad and embarrassed. 

 

i have no concept of time and reality. i always think this isn't my life and i'm not living it. i never know what day it is. but i get so anxious about the fact that i have nothing going in my life, and instead of doing anything about it, i just freeze. and i have been frozen for almost 10 years. i'm still 14 in my head. i never felt like i was getting older and becoming an adult cause every year was the same. i am wasting my life away. 

 

people lost all respect for me. not my sister or my dad, but people that don't even fucking know me. it are the people in my town who've probably heard about me, and think i have no future. i hate small talk so much. people always ask me and my sister what we do. my sister can tell them she has a bachelor degree and is working. i always have to lie and tell them i'm studying psychology. i always wanted to, but of course i didn't. i'm pretty sure everyone knows i didn't finish school. i'm sure people from my school talked about me dropping out. people think i'm dumb or lazy, cause why else wouldn't you work or study? i always have to prove myself to people twice as hard. 

 

i'm trying to tell myself it's not my fault. i didn't choose this life for myself, but a part of me always thinks i'm faking everything and that i've tricked every psychologist into believing i have depression and anxiety. like i will have a full blown panic attack, and after i've calmed down for a bit i think "aren't you overreacting" do i just lack empathy or am i fucked in the head lmao. 

depression takes so much. it doesn't care about you. it will ruin everything. i lost so many childhood memories, energy, and my entire personality. like all there's left is my body. i will sit in my room all day during summer with all the curtains closed because everyone is happy because the sun is out, and i don't want to see it. i don't want to see people live their lives, because it makes me so depressed to realize that i am not. 
 

depression gave me a lot too. it gave me anxiety, paranoia, and body dysmorphia. i always think people see me and think that i'm the ugliest and fattest person they've ever seen. when i go to a new therapy group i always pray i'm not the biggest person there. and i know that's so mean. i always go on a fast when i'm about to do something that's new or scary, cause i think people will be kind to me if i look good according to them. i always thought my life will start when i'm skinny. that's when my depression goes away and i'll get confident. now i've lost so much weight, but my mindset is still the same. and it's just so stupid. there are so many people with serious health issues that would trade the few extra kilos in a heartbeat to be healthy. i try to tell myself that all the time, but everytime i look in the mirror i feel miserable. not only because i don't like what i see, but also because i still hate it even though it looks like it should; healthy.  
 

but i'm still here. even though i'm not okay, i'm still alive to see if it'll get better. telling people you're not okay takes a lot of courage. luckily i can do it anonymously on here. i know sometimes all you want is someone to tell you they're struggling too. 

 

don't ever think you trying your best isn't good enough. sometimes the littlest things will take so much effort, only for no one to notice. like brushing your teeth, going for a walk, getting up before noon. it are all things that most people don't think about it being a challenge. but if you accomplish just one today, or none at all, it's okay. it's enough. you're enough. just stay alive. we can suffer together lol. don't think about leaving me to die alone.
again, no idea how to end this. sorry if at the beginning of my blog you thought this blog would be more motivational or inspiring lol. my mind is just going back and forth lately. anyway, like always you can always send me a message if you want someone to talk to.

thanks for reading!! <3