making your dreams come true with mental health issues


i never did anything worth writing about. i guess that's why it took me 23 years to start a journal.                                    i really want to experience my emotions again. i feel like i'm only half experiencing my life cause i don't feel everything i should. i want to feel joy, as much as i can. don't get me wrong, i'm happy, i'm grateful, but i just really want to experience pure joy. and i'll get there, it'll take time but i have time. that's literally all i have. it's gonna be hard, and even scary, but it's gonna be worth it.

i don't remember when my dream became traveling the world. i just remember it being my sister's dream. she's very passionate and enthusiastic, so hearing her talk about it for years, started a spark in me.                                             i know it's a huge step. probably a bit too big for someone with social phobia who's not even comfortable to go grocery shopping in her own town. my world is so small. i see 2 people everyday; my sister and my dad. they are all i have regarding social contacts. my phone literally has 15 contacts and half of them are old psychologists and the other half are family, and i don't even talk to most of them. 

no one understands this is my dream. only my sister believes in me. and i know why. i'm scared to go. i crave comfort and stability. i don't do well with change, and i hate meeting new people. but that's what backpacking is all about. my dream is also my nightmare. but it won't stop me from seeing the world. i finally wanna live. i want to go out and experience things. even bad ones. as long as i feel something. 

we'll leave this friday. i don't think i realize it yet. i guess i will when we're on the buss. our dad will drop us off at a flixbus station. i've never traveled with a flixbus. people have a lot of mixed feelings about it from what i've seen. i don't think it'll be that bad. our stop is only an hour and a half away.                                                                        my sister and i are a bit worried about leaving our dad alone. he's not the type of person to be alone. but if he really can't handle it, we'll come back home immediately. still, he's very happy for us. he knows we're finally making our dreams come true. he even gave us money. he doesn't have a lot, but he gave what he could. and we're very grateful.

i'll try to update weekly. i don't know if this is interesting for other people to read. but that's okay. no one has to read it. i just want a place to write about my experiences. maybe someone as alone as me will read it. or someone who's dream is also their biggest fear and we'll be able to do it together. or someone who needs to talk to someone without judgment. you can always contact me. i'll respond, i promise.                                                                                                                                           

 i've never done anything worth writing about, hopefully that will change soon.

a cat's tales
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