i'm back home. already.


these past few days have been one of the worst experiences of my life. i initially didn't want to write about it, because i'm so embarrassed, but i wanted to document my story. even if it means telling you the parts i wish weren't part of it.

everything just went wrong on the first day. so wrong that i cried. in a vegan shawarma place. i couldn't even finish my falafel, cause i choked on my tears and the pita. the city we went to just didn't feel very welcoming. it felt cold and gray and it felt like everyone knew i had no idea what i was doing. there were so many people and so much noise. everything was so overwhelming. i felt so out of place and in the way. our backpacks were huge. i even hit someone in the head with it on the train station.

we looked like idiots. it was our own fault for being stupid enough to buy military men backpacks. we really thought we would backpack through siberia instead of germany. 

i couldn't believe that was what it felt like to live your dream. i hadn't felt this much despair and this hopeless since i was a teenager. i felt like my whole life was falling apart, and i know it must sound so dramatic. but i really couldn't help it. it all feels so surreal. it kinda felt like i was there, but i also wasn't. i know it doesn't make any sense.

we had to wait 9 hours in the trainstation of Essen for the buss home. we arrived sunday night around 6pm and our buss arrived at 3am. my ass never felt more sore than it did then. a guy tried to offer my sister some food, so i think he thought we were homeless? i thought we just looked like inexperienced backpackers, but apparently not. also, why didn't he offer me food? my sister declined but he never offered me. maybe he thought it would take a while before i starved to death.

life right now feels like a tornado and i'm a cow being spun around for cinematic value. anyway, that was our weekend. we've been back for about a day now. we are looking for new backpacks to try again. i have no idea how i'm gonna pay for it. so hopefully we'll be able to leave soon.
i don't really know how to end this. thanks for reading!! as always, if you have something you want to talk about, you can always send me an email! :)) 

a cat's tales
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