i knew you'd haunt all my what-if's

but the more i talked to him, the safer i felt letting a man view me as a sexual being. and i started to feel things i hadn't felt things like that in a long time, things i didn't know i could feel. we grew so close so fast. we talked every minute we could, staying up late and waking up early to talk to each other. we liked different things; he likes partying, drinking, and war movies. i like staying at home, reading and disney movies. but still, we connected on other things. he lost his mother too, he used to be shy and fat like me, and we both share a passion for traveling. 

he brought up sex or made a sexual joke pretty much any time he could. it didn't scare me or make me uncomfortable, since i knew he didn't kow any better. i never told him about the trauma. besides, i always managed to steer the conversation to a different topic. i could tell he wasn't used to opening up to someone new, but he also didn't seem to mind either. 

i told him about my trauma, and he immediatly apologised for all the sex jokes he made and promised to dial it back. it touched my heart. i never felt so safe with a man since it happened. i told him it was okay, that sexual jokes don't scare me, that i felt safe around him. 

and then we started flirting. well, he was flirting the day he saw me, but i started to flirt back this time. it was fun. i felt like i was in highschool. i never experienced anything like it before. i felt warm and fuzzy, i felt wanted in a way that didn't scare me. i fell in love so hard and so fast. our conversations turned more sexual, and i loved it. until something inside me snapped and i felt disgusted with myself. i told him how i was feeling, that i hated my ex, and that i wish that jonas was my first instead of him. i told him that it's a lot to be someone like me, that i'd understand if he wanted someone with less bagage since he already had a lot to deal with. but he told me he wouldn't go anywhere, that i was stuck with him. he stayed with me until i felt better and was able to fall asleep. 

it went wrong when he started asking for pictures. i told him "no" lightheartedly a couple of times, until he did it again and i told him he made me feel uncomfortable. he apologised, and things changed between us. we barely talked anymore, and when i brought it up, he said he was very busy. it made me feel so insecure, like i ruined things between us by putting boundaries. i even apologised for it. 

i wish he just left when i told him to. i wish he didn't wait until i fell in love. i wish he never called me "kid," i wish he never called me "baby." i wish i knew guys like him just don't fall for girls like me. i wish i realized he was just in it for the sex in time. i felt awful last night, i cried looking at our pictures. i can't understand why he'd just shut me out like that. at least he could be honest with me, tell me that it's too much for him. now i'm up all night, waiting for a text he won't send. while he's probably up all night, talking to other girls and telling them they're different from the others. 

maybe it just wasn't meant to be. maybe he was just in my life to help me be open to dating again. maybe i just needed to see what it could be like. 

either way, i miss him. and i hope he does think about me every now and then.