2 a.m. feeling like i've just lost a friend


we met last summer. i started my current job in june of last year. i first met him during our mutual lunch break, just the two of us. he was too shy to say anything, so i started the conversation. he was the first colleague i felt a connection with so soon. he must've felt the same way, cause he was already making fun of me the second time we had a shift together. i started looking forward to seeing him. i even marked the days in my calender when he'd be there.

we became inseparable. we hung out beside work, something i never experienced before. and i even invited him into my house, the first time i've brought a friend home. we got matching outfits. everyone at work considered us a duo. they told me he opened up because of me, and that they didn't even know what he was like before me.

for the first time in my life i had a friend. it scared the shit out of me. i didn't know what to do. it felt weird to have someone text me, and even weirder to have someone pick me above everyone else. i was scared we'd drift apart, but i genuinely thought we would've made it.

and then i started losing him. it started slowly at first. one of the popular girls saw how much fun him and i had, and she started to talk to him too. he felt a little shy and uncomfortable because she never paid any attention to him, but i could tell he did like the attention. i was happy for him at first, feeling grateful he had someone to talk to when i wasn't working. he started talking to more and more people, basking in their attention and wanting to feel included. i didn't particularly like his choice of colleagues to talk to, since a lot of them are two-faced, gossiping about everyone (including him) when they aren't there. but i thought he was smart enough to keep his friendship with them shallow.

and now i've lost him. today it was him, her and me on the same shift. he made a cruel joke about an older coworker who's sick frequently, just to make her laugh. and i felt like he's lost who he is to fit in. he keeps following her around any chance he gets, his face lighting up whenever she laughs at his joke – even if it's a fake laugh. i know she's fun to talk to. she's extraverted and has no problem keeping the conversation going, but i never thought he'd start preferring her over me. 
i felt like he could tell something was wrong, but neither of us addressed it.
he had two options – go talk to her or go talk to me. we made eye contact through the mirror, but he walked right past me, and a few seconds later, i could hear them laughing. i don't understand how he doesn't see it. how could he not see how they'd ignored him and never bothered to talk to him until now?

everyone ignored him. they never bothered to put in any effort to get to know him, but i did. i saw him opening up slowly in front of me. he'd said things to me he never said to anyone else. and now i feel like an idiot. like i've warmed him up for the others to enjoy without them having to do any effort. 

i hope one day he'll realize what he had was something special. he talked to me the second day of us talking, the way he talks to them now. i hope he realises they are fake and doesn't tell them too many secrets. i've tried warning him before, but he thought i was jealous. i hope one day he'll realise what real friends are, that not everyone who is nice to you in your face is a friend. 

it breaks me heart to know he considers them just as much of a friend as me. but i guess we're not friends anymore. 

love, cat

a cat's tales
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